VITAL CONNECTIONS

by Stanley

With careless overuse some modes of expression become tired and worn out. I once knew a man who said of every emotional experience: ‘It pisses me off!’ So much was the phrase used to describe everything that it had become meaningless. The cliché no longer revived the freshness of a feeling. It was, in fact, an escape from feeling.

The purpose of psychological refection is to revivify an experience. Not to relive it – that’s a different thing – but to tune into all the subtleties of it that are waiting in the wings. And the way we use language has a lot to do with this process of connection.

Have you ever noticed that the closer you get to the precision of a feeling the harder it is to name it? When I say ‘precision of a feeling’ I mean the sharpness and freshness of it. It’s much like the sensation a colour. A colour is precisely what it is; when I try to accurately name it, I fumble around saying things like: ‘it’s a sort of a bluey-greeny-greyish.’ Then, realising the hopelessness of such a description, I look around the room searching for a colour that will match – usually unsuccessfully. What this means is that the precision of the colour is like nothing else – no word-symbol is accurate enough and no other colour is quite the same.

When you really tune into a feeling it’s the same kind of thing. ‘How do I feel about Aunt Amelia?’ No word symbol is accurate enough to say it exactly and no other feeling is the same; and the closer you tune into how I feel about her, the harder it gets to name it. To give up and say ‘I really don’t know how to describe it’ is honestly true; and moreover, it honours the uniqueness of your perception.

How is it then, in focusing, after fumbling around, a person will suddenly hit on the most ordinary word imaginable and light up as though they have really hit it? Let’s say I have been scratching around, trying to describe how I feel about Aunt Amelia who is coming to stay. ‘Apprehensive? Well, yes, I suppose so’. ‘Scared she’ll dominate me? No, I’m not scared of her any more’. ‘Will I be able to cope with her? I suppose so’. Pause…….. ‘Fact is … she SUFFOCATES me – the whole thing SUFFOCATES me.’ That word seems to absolutely clinch it. I can feel the energy release as I say it. I take a deep breath.

How can this happen? Here we have been talking about how the precision of a feeling is basically indescribable. And now this very ordinary word somehow says it exactly right. No long, meandering description, no elaborate poetic metaphors. How come a commonplace cliché like ‘she suffocates me’ is precisely right?

My theory is that we don’t actually choose words that fit like that; what happens is a deep ‘knowing’ suddenly infuses an ordinary word with its own energy. A word gets close enough to the bodily feeling for a spark to leap across the gap like a flash of lightening, changing a cliché into an experience. How I really experience my Aunt comes alive and the word is its bearer. The word now sounds utterly right. This ordinary word gets a jolt and is electrified into a life that it normally doesn’t have. It isn’t ordinary word any longer. The reality of the experience has burst through. The words and the energy fused together into a single meaning. The words don’t describe the feeling, the word has ignited and has become the feeling – the words have been enlivened by an authentic force; words and felt-sense become a single meaning releasing my blockage and bringing me to a full awareness.

‘She SUFFOCATES me’ now gives me the full physical experience I’m referring to. Now I remember it clearly. Now I absolutely know what I’m talking about. It releases me.

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From the therapist’s point of view it is vitally important to understand the mechanism I have described above. You won’t interfere with the working of it if you understand it. The moment when the energy of the felt-sense makes contact with the word is of paramount importance. Such a word or phrase can be reflected back to the client exactly, giving it the weight of significance it deserves, seriously acknowledge the moment. It is a moment of self-discovery. In our example, I really didn’t know that my Aunt suffocated me until then. Now I know what happens to me; I can even feel my breathing constricting – and now releasing.

Not every therapeutic encounter follows this blueprint as precisely as my example. Often it does, but more often it is woven into the fabric of the session. But if you understand the underlying mechanism you will see the way the vivid power of an experience, when it happens, coalesces with a certain precise way of putting it - no matter how simple the expression. What matters is that it connects. This moment is very valuable and easily invalidated. Don’t modify it. Let it stand and it will act like a launching pad for further exploration and carry the person to another important step.