NATURAL OPPORTUNISM

by Stanley

There are some things in life of which we like to say: ‘It was meant to be.’ This idea comes from ancient philosophical and religious thought avowing that there is some kind of guiding hand that pulls events the way they are suppose go. ‘It was meant to be’ can be a celebration when thing turn out well; or a resigned acceptance when things go wrong. But we only use the expression to indicate some higher or transcendent intention. We never say, ‘This cup of tea was meant to be’. We say simply ‘I made a cup of tea’. ‘Meant to be’ indicates an influence outside human intention. We call it ‘God’, Fate, Necessity, The Spirit or The Unconscious’. But whatever this agency is, it supposedly has things worked out in advance. It many ways, it relieves us of burdensome responsibilities; we hand things over to a higher power, as they say.

In contrast to this idea, consider that life’s events can be opportune, that we are, like the rest of life, simply opportunists; if there is a niche somewhere, we exploit it. New circumstances give us new possibilities – some work, some don’t. Whenever we sense an opening for enhancement we instinctively move to exploit the opportunity. The word ‘niche’ comes from the Latin which means ‘to make a nest’. In biology it has come to mean that wherever there is an ecological gap, a species will evolve to exploit it, to ‘make a nest’ for itself.

Someone once said that the dust mites in a bed mattress must feel like children let loose in a chocolate factory – only they feed on flakes of human skin. Each person sheds about half a kilo of skin flakes annually – more than enough for a thriving colony of dust mites in any decent mattress. Mites are opportunists, filling every imaginable niche in the world. There are over 50,000 species exploiting an array of habitats too numerous to mention.

Opportunism is a characteristic of life everywhere. I don’t suppose God or any Higher Power had a hand in fashioning dust mites to exploit the comforts of the conjugal bed; so it is hardly possible to say in any meaningful sense that dust mites were meant to be.

The word ‘opportunism’ has come to mean amoral self-seeking; but it means much more to us than it does to dust mites; and being opportunists doesn’t mean that we are fundamentally selfish. A nest is made for more than one. We don’t only want a prosperous niche in life for ourselves, but for our children and those we love. We want them to be able to seize what life has to offer; and not just material prosperity, but all the possibilities of human wellbeing. For us humans a worthwhile niche is simply a good life.

Opportunities happen when there is a space for them to happen. For us humans it’s not an ‘ecological gap’ we seek, but more like ‘psychological gap’ – a psychological space where new things can happen. For many people opportunities don’t happen because their psychological space is already too crowded. A new species of ideas cannot evolve because the psychological space is already teeming with pre-existing necessities that preclude any creativity. There is so much mental overcrowding there is no air to breathe.

What has this got to do with therapy and counselling? Everything!! Actually ‘counselling’ is a terrible word. Good counselling is where one does no ‘counselling’ at all. Good therapy is where you do that unimaginably rare thing – just giving a person space.

Giving someome space means that you never imply a necessity: something that has to be done, something that must be dealt with, a program that should be followed, a conclusion they should reach, a way they should behave, a gaol they should strive for, a way they should think, a problem they must face, an attitude they should take. This only multiplies the over-crowding.

Given space, a person will invariably make the right move – but not a predictable one. Someone is tired and apathetic. Give them the right space and they start crying. That is exactly the right move, exactly what needs to happen. Someone strongly feels the necessity to make difficult relationship work. No advice; just give them the right kind of space and suddenly they get that it’s impossible. That’s exactly the right move. Now there is a way forward, making room for what comes next. Someone is energetically trying to work out a problem. Give them space and they suddenly realise they are dog-tired. To realise that you are dog-tired is to seize an opportunity that was right there in a hidden space. You sit with someone who doesn’t talk and neither do you. Finally, they tell you they can’t talk. But they’ve just told you.