LIVING FROM ONE’S CENTRE

by Stanley

A perceptive friend of mine made a very important observation. She said, ‘There is a difference between being selfish and living from one’s centre. I’ve thought lately’, she said, ‘that I’ve been too unselfish in my life. But the thought of saying I should be more selfish didn’t feel right. I’ve known selfish people and seen how irresponsible they can be. But I’ve discovered that living from one’s centre doesn’t make one less, but more responsible.’

I knew at once she was absolutely right and wondered how this could be. When I thought of the selfless people I have known, it would seem that they are too responsible for everyone else and have a slim idea of responsibility toward themselves. Selfless people take far too little care of themselves. They acknowledge that they should, but in practice can’t seem to do it. Thus their relationship with others is lopsided. Living from your centre makes you more responsible for yourself and your own life, so that the balance is more even. And you are more realistic about the impact you have on others. A selfish person has a poor idea of what it feels like to be someone else; and a selfless person projects their own sensitively on everyone else and takes care of them on this basis. Both are unrealistic. But when you are living from your own centre you realise that everyone has their own very different centre and thus you have no choice but to let them live their own lives in their own way. This is realism.

So how do you find your centre if you’ve lost it or haven’t yet found it? The best is when someone else picks up on a mere hint about something that really matters to you, but which you hardly recognise yourself; its when someone hears your throwaway line and treats it as though it were serious; its when someone hears your heart when you can hardly hear it beating yourself. These are moments when someone picks up on your centre that’s hidden away. That’s when, for an instant, you recognise yourself. If you study in detail the interactions on video between a mother and baby, as researchers have done, that is exactly what a good mother does, moment by moment. It is a gift one particularly needs in one’s young life – and to some extent throughout one’s life. If that gift has been missing, giving it to oneself is much more difficult, although some say you should be able to: ‘No one can give it to you but yourself’, they say – which is a lie perpetrated by narcissists.

A narcissist is someone who recognises no other centre of life but their own. They give nothing and receive nothing. They live in a egocentric universe where the sun and all the stars circle around them. Living in their presence you are simply orbital flotsam and jetsam. They might tell you they love you, but such a one shines like a God who has made you in their image.

This may seem harsh and judgmental, but when it is true, recognizing it can save your life. It’s a serious as that.