GENEROSITY.

by Stanley

Rules of conduct are necessary. Most are simply about how ordinary things should be done, agreements to keep life rolling along smoothly, like everyone driving on the left side of the road – or the right, as the case may be. Likewise, you should not steal, molest women or police officers; furthermore, thou shall not start an argument about religion at a birthday party. Simple guides make social life a little easier.

On the other hand, in the matter of intimate relationships, rules on how to succeed are almost ridiculous. Even guidelines are a laugh. There are no rules in the world can tell you whether it is wise, at this moment, to contradict your husband at the dinner table – especially since he has just been talking to his mother on the phone.

Walk into any job and the terms of engagement are fairly clear. But walk into a relationship and the job description is disturbingly fuzzy. What’s amazing is how much agonising goes into working out how to gracefully perform the pas de deux of a relationship. There are so many difficult steps where the twists and turns are not at all clear; and however careful, you will sometimes tread on your partner’s toes. What’s incredible is how much effort people make in trying to get it right. But right or wrong, such trying proves a certain good will – not counting self-interest – pointing to what we could call human altruism – our care about the welfare of others, especially those close to us, sometimes even to the point of self-sacrifice.

Within a certain familial radius we are biologically tuned to be ethical creatures that have the wellbeing of our kin at heart. This trait has been hard wired by evolution – as it has in most of the higher mammals. But in looking at what the biologists call ‘altruism’ let’s use a more recognisably human term. Let’s call it ‘generosity’, a generosity of heart. Broader than the usual restricted meaning of the word. I mean where the desire for another’s wellbeing comes as a genuine feeling. People with generous dispositions are immediately recognisable – you feel better after you have been in their company. You feel a recognition that you are living person to them – and so you feel better, no matter what’s been discussed.

Which brings us back to rules: it isn’t rules of conduct that create this marvellous human quality of generosity. Neither rules of ethics, nor the Bible, nor any number of commandments, ever made anyone good; if the quality of generosity isn’t already there, ethical rules simply make people obedient or just clever survivors who can play the game.

In training and selecting counsellors, therapists, nurses, support workers etc., a lot of effort goes into ensuring ethical behaviour: definitions of boundaries, proper communication with patients, supervision, professional development, codes of practice, careful interviews and staff selection. But the most important criterion that’s missing in all of this is ‘generosity’ in the sense we are meaning it. No one seems willing to state it clearly and define it. But the plain fact is, when it’s missing the effects can be disastrous.

I bet you could name a dozen people in the helping professions who obey all the rules, do everything absolutely to the book, but who are killers. However well trained they are, whatever their qualifications, they are also immediately recognisable – after being in their company for a short while you feel worse.

Same goes for husbands, wives, friends and colleagues. Those with a natural generosity of heart enhance life around them because they credit other people with their own being, they credit others with existence; for them, you are a living person with an interior, a subjectivity, actually alive with your own ideas, wants and feelings. You feel recognised. They know you are different, but equal to themselves – and they are likely to be curious to know who you are, I mean who you really are.

No matter what other virtues or vices they may have, that’s all it takes – and you feel better just being near them.

Through no fault of their own there are those who lack this quality of generosity, but who desperately try to compensate by being responsible. They take great care of you, they provide for the physical necessities, food, health, clothing, a roof over one’s head. A certain guilt induces an over-concern for your welfare. They are too responsible! They are trying to make up for the one vital thing they cannot give.

A word of caution: ‘helpfulness’ is not always a sign of generosity in the sense we mean. Always ask yourself after someone has been helpful: do I feel better or worse; does my actual existence feel more valid or less. That’s the test.